I awoke again /:. Ugh It’s 4:04 in the morning. It’s actually been a while since I’ve randomly woken up in the middle of the night. I tried to get back to sleep but no matter how hard I try the heart ache is too strong. At this point I don’t know what or why I feel this way.

Today (which was technically yesterday August 6th) started out really good, then went really downhill. The world just hates me. I was fired today. I used to work a few days at this place for troubled teens. Basically I counseled kids that had problems. But today my boss called me into his office and asked to see my arm. Someone noticed the cuts on my arm and told him.

He told me that until I get my life together I don’t need to counsel anyone. And then it was over. I was fired. I hadn’t cut in a long time, but things got to intense. If it wasn’t for my angel fish I don’t know how far I would have gone. Maybe I wouldn’t even be here anymore /:. Just having her to talk to about all kinds of things makes me so happy. She always has the words that strike my heart (:. I went to sleep at 6 last night I was so depressed. When I got home from what used to be work I just locked myself in my room and listened to Fall Out Boy. All sorts of things popped into my head.

I just feel so cold, and empty. Is it because of Nina? I don’t know. At times I think it is but maybe it isn’t. I find myself wishing she was under my arms but maybe it’s too late. From now on I’m going to give anyone a chance no matter who they are. Even if they’re just my best friend.

I never thought I’d feel this way. She told me to let it go. She’s gone for good but If a guy really likes a girl, he wont give up on her, even if she says no. She always tried to win me over and now that she’s stopped I want her. My heart is so destroyed. I keep replaying the memory of last years birthday.

My mother was away on a business trip in Chicago and my sister went with her. I was stuck at home alone with everyone forgetting my birthday. I thought nobody cared. The day would have been awful. Then Nina showed up. It was so unexpected. She brought me all my favorite things. And planned a surprise Halloween themed roof party.

At that moment I should have known, she was in love with me. More than anyone had ever been. When someone is trying that hard, they see something that you yourself are to ignorant to see. You overlook it because your head is telling u that u want something different but ur heart really wants them.

I guess the greatest advice anyone could give would be “great friends great lovers”. /: I remember the times right before she started fading from my life. I would CONSTANTLY get emails and random people texting me asking why I wasn’t dating Nina. Even they saw something. Now finally Im seeing it too. When it’s way to late.

I thought I’d finally gotten over it. Even fate had a new plan for me.

But I wish fate wasn’t such a devious bastard. I finally met a girl that is the definition of perfect. She is beautiful and great to talk to. We love all the same things and it’s like we were made for each other. My angel fish is what I call her. There’s only one catch. She lives across the country in California.

I would do anything to be able to see her and spend time with her. Just to hold her hand and talk until the street lights come on. Laughing and just taking in the moment. One day we’ll be together, I just hope that day comes soon. Before it’s too late. Things just dont go my way. Its only so long that people can go. She’ll probably move on and forget all about me. But I love her /:. The angel fish will be gone and ill be swimming alone. I hate uncertainty, the future, and growing up. It’s all so vague. And with prom coming this year who know what will happen. This is my prediction. I’ll be alone at home. Maybe I’m to pessimistic. Idk. Well I’m going to go watch My Life As Liz on my DVR. Hopefully I fall back asleep. I’m logged into AIM if anyone wants to chat. But it’s so early everyones sleeping anyway.